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1. |
I'm awake.
04:59
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I’m a
I’m awake
But the headache of a well-lit space
Makes me stay in my bed
All damn day
But I know that I got to
Get up and
Praise my God for the day
But I can’t find the strength
Oh no I am waking
As my woes are fading
As Lucy
Eases her reign
But I’ve gotten so lwo
I wonder why am I trying
When the results are
Always the same.
To be awake,
To be aware
That Lucy’s always there.
Oh to be awake,
To be aware
Of this God-damn pain
No one should bare
Oh why do I even try?
To claw myself out of my own mind
I’m so tired
Of Lucy’s fucking sight.
All these singular questions
Of “How do we even let this happen?
Oh dear God why me?”
Oh why?
Oh why?
Oh what will become of I?
Who am I without Lucy?
Lucy
The way Lucy always holds me tight at night
Oh I can’t let her go
It will just start another fight
But I gotta go and face myself
I gotta say no to this seductive hell
I ask my God again
I need help
To be awake,
To be aware
That Lucy’s always there.
Oh to be awake,
To be aware
Of this God-damn pain
No one should bare
I am trying
To claw myself out of Lucy’s binds
I gotta fight
I gotta survive
And all of these questions
Of “Why do I fight this?
Oh dear God, why choose me?”
Oh just fucking try
Just fight this for your life
You are not Lucy!
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2. |
Made a wish.
03:48
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Made a wish and let it float off in the wind.
It’s such a simple thing
To find myself hoping again.
And I know, I know that I am afraid
But it’s not of my pain
It’s how I lost the sight in the beauty remaining in the day.
So I go on these arteries you call roads.
Oh it’s such a simple need
For my heart to feel safe and at home.
Yes I know
Yeah I fucking know!
That I am afraid
But it’s not of my pain
It’s how you look at me with fear
In your stern gaze.
Have I not fought and survived?
Just to be set apart from you?
They taught me how to fear
My own mind
And I have to forgive them too?
Oh God, what if I can’t make peace?
Is this the weakness that you see?
When I bled for you,
Who bled for me?
But it wasn’t enough red it seems.
AH!
Look at me, I’m the trauma under your bed
Told too angry for you men
I violent in the head
Now shush
They shushed my sobs
And muzzled me
Told me I was
A bad, bad thing
Why do I have to be better than this?
But if I wanna save myself I can’t
Put more red on these hands!
So I go to find myself some peace
But not for you, for me
I just wanna better home
But you should know
I won’t hurt myself again
By treating you as you treated me then
And I wish for you the same my friend.
And I know that I am afraid.
But I won’t again
Put on my war paint!
‘Cuz I’m dealing with my pain
And I wish for you the same.
Oh we both made too much red.
And it won’t make me less afraid.
But I won’t put on my war paint.
‘Cuz hurting you don’t make it
Easier on me.
[Go find yourself some peace]
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3. |
Terrified.
05:24
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God knows I’m terrified
Of all these things I try to hide
Oh lover, don’t look at me that way
As I try to explain knowing you can’t stay.
There are days in which I cry
And I’m still trying to figure out
The reasons oh why
I’ve come so far from that desperate state
But all I have to do is turn back that page
Its that easy to slip away
Away
Oh my babe
Just look at me for what I’m about to say
My babe
Please don’t go away
I love you but I’m afraid that is
A selfish thing to say
For my state
For I’ve grown terrified
I won’t find peace in my own mind
The way it ebbs and flows
One trickle in the water and
There’s ripples in my soul
For I’m an emotional being
They put me on medication to hold my seams
Could you ever be with me?
Someone that can’t trust their own feelings?
God knows I’m terrified
That I’ll never learn to love right
For every time I start to feel
I become hypomanic and it
Becomes too real
That I will burn out bright
And there are days in which I scream
For my heart is so heavy
It breaks with every beat
And even though I’m in love with you
I can’t let you in to see that simple truth
‘Cuz then it would be your burden too.
Oh I have grown terrified
That I won’t find acceptance in this life
For every time I’m filled with hope
Just to have it shatter over things
I can’t control.
So baby please
I know I’m the one that’s ending things
But could you ever be
Ready to face all the seasons within me
Within me?
Oh can’t you see
What frightens me
Words I must now speak
What I’m scared most to say
Is if I share with you
All of my states
Would you be too scared to leave and stay?
Would you then never look at me the same?
Oh what I’m scared most to say
What I’m scared most to say
Is if I expose my heart in every way
If I lost you I’d fear the pain.
And what I’m really scared most to say
Is if I share my euphoria and pain
Would you use them against me someday?
And what I’m really scared most to say
Is that I love you
But I am afraid.
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4. |
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I lick my rosy lips
Taste their saltiness
From tears I’ve spent
Oh I draw myself a bath
Oh I’m naked now
But more somehow
I am scared to see
The blue and pink
Printed over me
From hands that did not love
That could not love
Oh do not love me.
Oh I am scared to see
My water dirty no matter how I clean
They teach young girls that at 16
Now only God will love
Oh will He still love me?
I lay motionless
The water melts my skin
I am bones and mist
Tender love I have known
But those hands were stones
They said they’ll only touch
What they love most
I am scared to see
The blue and pink
Printed over me
From hands that did not love
That could not love
Oh do not love me.
Oh I am scared to see
My water dirty no matter how I clean
They teach young girls that at 16
Now only God will love
Oh will He still love me?
I am ready
For all the blessing I will receive
Oh put me in the water where we all drink
Oh take a sip
I swear you’ll feel relieved.
For I am good
My soul is free.
No you could never blemish me.
For I am loved
Just as me
And I still can’t hate you
Though I wish I’d see
In those writing our laws
That same purity
Oh why do you love our violators
More than me?
I am scared to see
The blue and pink
Printed over me
From hands that did not love
That could not love
That do not love me.
Oh I am scared to see
My water dirty no matter how I clean
They teach young girls that at 16
Now only God will love
Oh will He still love me?
I am scared to see
More strange hands
Letting themselves inside of me
In the name of God
But you don’t love
Oh you didn’t love me
I am scared to see
Them using my religion to try to punish me
Since I was 16
You said no one would love
But I know He still loves me!
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5. |
I am here.
04:35
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I woke up.
So many faces displaced in my heart.
Trying to remember
A time where I didn’t feel so lost.
But girl don’t you cry
For we all got fears about this life.
And when they are realized
And going on is the hardest thing of them all
But we must, we must!
Not lose ourselves to this world.
Looking up from the ground
At empty bottles and an innocence not found.
I left my heart in logic’s hands
Asking God why can’t I make amends for man
But I must confess
The hardest truth was you were never there.
For the hell to tell me this apathy
In me will expel.
So don’t you cry
For we all lost something dear in the fight
And going on is the hardest thing of them all
But we must, we must
Not lose ourselves to this world
So now I speak
And it comes from a place of peace
For I still have a voice left in me.
‘Cuz I am here.
I am here and I’m more
Than my fears.
Than my fears
‘Cuz you can’t hold me down.
Though I’ve lost
Look what I’ve gained
A heart so full no man can bring his shame
And here’s a simple truth
From me to you
The past is written by those who have
Lived through.
Oh and boy oh don’t you cry
For we all got fears about this life.
And when they’re realized
And going on is the hardest thing of them all.
But we must, we must!
Not lose ourselves to this world.
So now I speak
And it comes from a place of peace
For I still have a life
Left to lead.
‘Cuz I am here.
I am here and I’m more
Than my fears.
Than my fears
‘Cuz you can’t hold me down.
‘Cuz we are here.
We are here and we’re more
Than our fears
Than our fears ‘cuz
You can’t hold us down.
Oh you can’t hold me down.
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6. |
Body.
04:08
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I, I try
Oh I
I try, I try?
To find that simple peace of mind.
Am I still or am I changed?
Does my body reflect the pain of yesterday?
Oh my, my body
My body weighs me down
Its inhabitable oooh
Is it habitable now?
Am I still a woman today?
Or has all these years taken my air away?
Oh is my body still me?
Can I know my body again?
To know all of its needs!
So I start to undress
And I take one nervous glance
I look at my reflection and
I find myself again.
Oh I, I find
I’m rediscovering myself
Through the mending of lines
Sprawled across
My broken body
Oh shattered me
I bind my seams
With gold leaf
And awakened in my corporeal need
Oh moral me
I’m a worthy being
I am sincerely me
For this is my body whole again
And complete
For I’m a woman healed
And in that I am a powerful being!
And as I undress
I allow myself to finally see
That I am allowed a happiness
Despite what has once ravished me
And I won’t be shamed!
My only commodity is not my body nor face
I’ve survived the darkest of my days
And I will not be haunted by that sure pain
Oh beauty reframed!
By the dignity I rightfully claim
I’ve been bestowed a certain grace
By allowing hope to take darkness’ place
Oh how I have been saved
Been saved
By my inexhaustible flame
My vulnerability is my strength
Now I rejoice in my feminine ways
For I was taught to honor what is true and brave
And as I undress
I see me
Clearly for the woman I’ve become
And I do not fear her at all
For I know that I will fall again
But I know
That I can get back up
For I have the strength of a thousand suns
Oh I am
Yes I am
I am
Again.
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7. |
||||
Take me to the river and bless me
For I’ve been feeling too damn weak
Oh you can wet my forehead,
I got my cheeks.
Been walking on bloody,
Callused feet
Those Christian women been
Shaming me
But I keep going for I
Must find what they can’t see.
Oh water wash and heal me
For I’ve been through the fire and I
Admit I like the heat.
Oh get down on your knees and be with me
For I have as much soul as you
But I still try and reach
And as I sink into the water
Unashamed of my naked body
I know that I am free.
For I have been healed by the power of Surrendering
My arms outstretched with cupped hands
Waiting to receive
My parched lips wetted by the hope I sip
I sink into the unknown
And let it be, let it be!
For there’s no more fear in me
My soul I feel it in the currents
I’m in the water droplets
Smiling as I reach the surface
I breathe in unweighted and unburdened
Oh I found myself again
I’m the water that carves mountains.
Water wash and heal me
For I’ve been through the fire
And I’ll admit I like the fucking heat.
Oh get down on your fucking knees
And be with me
For I have as much soul as you
But I still try and reach.
And as I sink into the water
Unashamed of my naked body
I know that I am free!
[DEAdbEAT]
Self-liberated
Self-motivated
Femme fatales
Drink them down
Don’t be playing missionary
With a divinity
Lady rapture me
In your baptistry
Well I’ll be damned
God your breed rare.
God bless that sovereign female
Well I’ll be God damned
Your breed rare.
Yeah.
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8. |
Weak as me.
03:08
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Oh my love
Don’t you see that I am weak?
But if you want
Any part of this
I need you to be as weak as me
I am only strong because I have to always be.
These rough outlines sketch
The hands of a woman that has
More to do than wait around in bed
Oh comfort me
Oh come for me!
I don’t need you but I want
You to water me like flowers in the spring
I’m your casa blanc lily
(devour me)
Blooming when the moon peaks.
I’m a good female
I don’t need no saving
Got that self-love
That keeps your savior complex baiting
Yeah I’ve been hurt but
I still got my wits about me
If you want in open your mouth
And swallow your corrupt intentions
Humbly, submit to me and
I may return the invitation.
I’ve been laying around
Been feeling myself
Elevating myself
All without your help
Found that sweet allegro
Put my heart in tempo
Rhythmically do you compliment me
(will you be my sweet loving adagio?)
Meet me in the next measure
Our signatures stamped on one another.
My love language is touch
I want all your hands’ attention
To give me what I want
But only if you’re strong enough
To not be ruled by thinking
All you poor men must be claiming
Dominion over what they love
Do not try to conquer me
But together we can build a dynasty
I’m your Madame Blanc of the lily!
I’m a good female
I don’t need no saving
Got that self-love
That keeps your savior complex baiting
Yeah I’ve been hurt but
I still got my wits about me
If you want in open your mouth
And swallow your corrupt intentions
Humbly, submit to me and
I may return the invitation.
If it feels right
And you show me your trusting
Enter into me
And I’ll show you the half you’re missing
I am the woman of your wettest dreams
I am the woman of your nightmares
I am Madame Blanc of the Lily
I am no victim
I am a triumph being!
I am Madame Blanc of the Lily
Humbly submit me
I have power in mind and body
I am Madame Blanc of the Lily
Humbly submit me
For I have power in mind and body
And I want you, I want you to know!
The half your missing!
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9. |
Good, too.
05:04
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Been feeling a little bit lonely
I’m not scared of that fate.
For everything I’m feeling
It’s the safest one I think
And I’ve learned to face
All my pain
But when you look at me
I find myself afraid
Why do you scare me this way?
I’ve learned to bind my heart in many ways.
I’m stronger than I was yesterday.
And all the battles I’ve fought
I hold the victor’s name
But what you ask of me is too much I say
For if I let you in
I’ll have to open up the gate
But you say
I hope for you
You’ll find the courage to
Love and let love back through
And stay vulnerable
Although it hurts
So that you can know
The good, too.
I’m a little frightened
That I may be weak
For if I love you darling
Than you’ve conquered me
And I know my happiness depends on me
But if I lean into you darling
I’m scared of what that might mean
And I accept myself more than I did yesterday
And I built these walls to showcase my strength
But when you look at me I admit
I still am afraid
And this weakness no
I can’t make it go away
But you say
I hope for you
You’ll find the courage to
Love and let love back through
And stay vulnerable
Although it hurts
So you can know
The good, too.
And maybe I built a few walls to
protect myself it seams
And maybe I built a few more
To protect the world from me
And perhaps that’s how I thought it had to be
To survive the things I’ve felt and seen
And I know I can’t hope to control everything
In regards to you, in regards to me
But baby I love you to me might
not mean the same thing
It means I’m vulnerable to you and now everything
I hope for you
To find the courage to
(oh my baby)
Love and let love through
(you make me weak)
And stay vulnerable
Although it hurts
So you can know
The good, too.
I wanna know the good too
With you.
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10. |
Turbulent me.
04:13
|
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Lampshades covered dark
You’re about to witness all my scars
As I whisper to myself
“I will not break.”
I bite my lip to keep from moving them
Trying to find a place for these awkward limbs
Oh my thoughts are as frizzy as my hair
without bobby pins
So I ask you to leave.
You got that gaze as blue as the oceans
And I’m drinking them in
Sipping on that potion that I fear
Does tempt me
But when you speak to me I fear honesty
Cuz I’m not good at that old feeling
For I’m a pillar that will never show it’s seams
For I no longer know that woman in I
That’s not heavy with burden
But air and light.
As you look at me I fear that you can see my uncomfortable reactions to intimate attractions
For I long shamed myself out of my need
Oh turbulent me, forgetting to breathe
Steering conversations with grim cogitations
For I simply forgot how to just be
For I no longer know that woman in I
That’s not heavy with burden
But air and light.
For you told me my virtue had run dry
Oh turbulent me , just forget your needs
Remember what brought about your chosen solidarity
Oh no, loneliness has no power over me!
But you got that gaze as deep as the oceans
And I catch myself swimming in those currents
That I fear I cannot fight
But as you speak to me I fear honestly
That I’ll remember what its like to need
And I can’t let that be
For when you look at me
I know you can see
My uncomfortable reactions based on my attraction for forgetting myself completely.
Oh turbulent me can I consciously not add weight to every syllable I sing?
Would that alter my very being?
For I no longer know that woman in I
that’s not heavy with burden but air and light
And does not question her virtue
every time she smiles.
Oh turbulent me just forget your needs
Remember why you chose this solidarity
You became heavy with your grief.
Loneliness has no power over me
Lampshades covered dark
You’re about to witness all my scars
Loneliness has no power over me
I bite my lip
To keep from moving them
Stay
Loneliness has no power over me
Stay.
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11. |
I am not afraid anymore.
04:42
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God knows I’m terrified
Of all these things I was taught to hide
Oh lover won’t you look at me
As tears stream down my cheeks
For I want you to see me when I’m weak
And there are days in which I cry
From all of those self-imposed binds of mine
If I never know the joy of loving you
Its cuz it seems I’ve bound my happiness up in them too
For I know my mind can come and go
But there are some things you should know
My joy is proportionate to my throes
My passion needs a home!
Oh my babe
My fear is no longer my pain
It’s my ability to always say
How much I need you
When I am afraid
Cuz I’ve been in harm’s way
So I hid myself away
But now I’m asking you
Please
Keep me safe
God knows I’m terrified
That no one could ever love
Someone with a mind like mine
So please just look at me
Decide now if you’ll help me
Rip out these seams
Oh will you accept me?
Come what madness we make be.
Oh and God knows that I’m terrified
That I’ll always have to hide
Or hold back from this life
For I wanna feel it all with you
I wanna touch the fire and let it burn me too
Make me fall the way lovers do
Oh and babe
My fears no longer my pain
It’s my ability to always say
How much I need you
And not be so, so
Afraid
Oh won’t you please just keep me safe?
Oh won’t you pull me into your arms
And take care of all my only thoughts
And help me untie these restraints
That dig into my ribcage
For now I’ll need all
That precious space
And God knows that I am terrified
That we won’t have enough time
For all this hope that I still feel
And all this love I have yet to give
I am watered
I am basked now in the light
Oh my babe
My fear is no longer my pain
It’s my ability to always say
How much I love you
Cuz in you
Yes in you
I am safe.
Oh please just keep me safe.
Safe.
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12. |
Yours to trace.
04:02
|
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Look at me
When you speak and see
All of me
I offer it all.
Your hand on my chest
Can you feel that heartbeat in my breast?
How it longs to be known
How it longs to feel whole
Just hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Stay don’t go
Cuz I need your body warmth
Cuz I’m scared that I’ve grown too cold
But please don’t give up on me.
When you lean to touch me
I swear I won’t withdrawal
Again.
Just know that it scares me
My inability to react
To simple affections
But when I say I care
Just acknowledge that I am
Allowing myself to feel
Though I am rusty
And it is costing me
My second skin
how we long to be known
how we long to feel whole
just hold me
hold me
hold me
Stay don’t go
Cuz I need your body warmth
Cuz I’m scared that I’ve grown too cold
But please don’t give up on me.
Please don’t give up on me.
Since I’ve met you I’ve come a long way
Instead of long nights
where I lay awake terrified
I feel safe.
So I undress
put my arms around your neck
And I say
All these marks and scars
That I tried to cover up with art
Are yours to trace.
Oh how we long to be known
How we long to feel whole
Just hold me
Hold me
Hold me
Stay don’t go
Cuz I need your body warmth
Cuz you,
You refuse
To give up on me.
Oh you refuse to give up on “we.”
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13. |
Balance.
03:50
|
Irene Wilde Seattle, Washington
Avant-garde pop musician on a healing journey through art.
“ I paint figures that make beautiful
my own vulnerabilities. I sing about what makes me blush. This is me connecting in the way I know how.. For these parts we tend to hide, they too have a desire to be known.”
Pyrrhicae is coming October 1, 2021.
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