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Pyrrhicae

by Irene Wilde

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1.
I'm awake. 04:59
I’m a I’m awake But the headache of a well-lit space Makes me stay in my bed All damn day But I know that I got to Get up and Praise my God for the day But I can’t find the strength Oh no I am waking As my woes are fading As Lucy Eases her reign But I’ve gotten so lwo I wonder why am I trying When the results are Always the same. To be awake, To be aware That Lucy’s always there. Oh to be awake, To be aware Of this God-damn pain No one should bare Oh why do I even try? To claw myself out of my own mind I’m so tired Of Lucy’s fucking sight. All these singular questions Of “How do we even let this happen? Oh dear God why me?” Oh why? Oh why? Oh what will become of I? Who am I without Lucy? Lucy The way Lucy always holds me tight at night Oh I can’t let her go It will just start another fight But I gotta go and face myself I gotta say no to this seductive hell I ask my God again I need help To be awake, To be aware That Lucy’s always there. Oh to be awake, To be aware Of this God-damn pain No one should bare I am trying To claw myself out of Lucy’s binds I gotta fight I gotta survive And all of these questions Of “Why do I fight this? Oh dear God, why choose me?” Oh just fucking try Just fight this for your life You are not Lucy!
2.
Made a wish. 03:48
Made a wish and let it float off in the wind. It’s such a simple thing To find myself hoping again. And I know, I know that I am afraid But it’s not of my pain It’s how I lost the sight in the beauty remaining in the day. So I go on these arteries you call roads. Oh it’s such a simple need For my heart to feel safe and at home. Yes I know Yeah I fucking know! That I am afraid But it’s not of my pain It’s how you look at me with fear In your stern gaze. Have I not fought and survived? Just to be set apart from you? They taught me how to fear My own mind And I have to forgive them too? Oh God, what if I can’t make peace? Is this the weakness that you see? When I bled for you, Who bled for me? But it wasn’t enough red it seems. AH! Look at me, I’m the trauma under your bed Told too angry for you men I violent in the head Now shush They shushed my sobs And muzzled me Told me I was A bad, bad thing Why do I have to be better than this? But if I wanna save myself I can’t Put more red on these hands! So I go to find myself some peace But not for you, for me I just wanna better home But you should know I won’t hurt myself again By treating you as you treated me then And I wish for you the same my friend. And I know that I am afraid. But I won’t again Put on my war paint! ‘Cuz I’m dealing with my pain And I wish for you the same. Oh we both made too much red. And it won’t make me less afraid. But I won’t put on my war paint. ‘Cuz hurting you don’t make it Easier on me. [Go find yourself some peace]
3.
Terrified. 05:24
God knows I’m terrified Of all these things I try to hide Oh lover, don’t look at me that way As I try to explain knowing you can’t stay. There are days in which I cry And I’m still trying to figure out The reasons oh why I’ve come so far from that desperate state But all I have to do is turn back that page Its that easy to slip away Away Oh my babe Just look at me for what I’m about to say My babe Please don’t go away I love you but I’m afraid that is A selfish thing to say For my state For I’ve grown terrified I won’t find peace in my own mind The way it ebbs and flows One trickle in the water and There’s ripples in my soul For I’m an emotional being They put me on medication to hold my seams Could you ever be with me? Someone that can’t trust their own feelings? God knows I’m terrified That I’ll never learn to love right For every time I start to feel I become hypomanic and it Becomes too real That I will burn out bright And there are days in which I scream For my heart is so heavy It breaks with every beat And even though I’m in love with you I can’t let you in to see that simple truth ‘Cuz then it would be your burden too. Oh I have grown terrified That I won’t find acceptance in this life For every time I’m filled with hope Just to have it shatter over things I can’t control. So baby please I know I’m the one that’s ending things But could you ever be Ready to face all the seasons within me Within me? Oh can’t you see What frightens me Words I must now speak What I’m scared most to say Is if I share with you All of my states Would you be too scared to leave and stay? Would you then never look at me the same? Oh what I’m scared most to say What I’m scared most to say Is if I expose my heart in every way If I lost you I’d fear the pain. And what I’m really scared most to say Is if I share my euphoria and pain Would you use them against me someday? And what I’m really scared most to say Is that I love you But I am afraid.
4.
I lick my rosy lips Taste their saltiness From tears I’ve spent Oh I draw myself a bath Oh I’m naked now But more somehow I am scared to see The blue and pink Printed over me From hands that did not love That could not love Oh do not love me. Oh I am scared to see My water dirty no matter how I clean They teach young girls that at 16 Now only God will love Oh will He still love me? I lay motionless The water melts my skin I am bones and mist Tender love I have known But those hands were stones They said they’ll only touch What they love most I am scared to see The blue and pink Printed over me From hands that did not love That could not love Oh do not love me. Oh I am scared to see My water dirty no matter how I clean They teach young girls that at 16 Now only God will love Oh will He still love me? I am ready For all the blessing I will receive Oh put me in the water where we all drink Oh take a sip I swear you’ll feel relieved. For I am good My soul is free. No you could never blemish me. For I am loved Just as me And I still can’t hate you Though I wish I’d see In those writing our laws That same purity Oh why do you love our violators More than me? I am scared to see The blue and pink Printed over me From hands that did not love That could not love That do not love me. Oh I am scared to see My water dirty no matter how I clean They teach young girls that at 16 Now only God will love Oh will He still love me? I am scared to see More strange hands Letting themselves inside of me In the name of God But you don’t love Oh you didn’t love me I am scared to see Them using my religion to try to punish me Since I was 16 You said no one would love But I know He still loves me!
5.
I am here. 04:35
I woke up. So many faces displaced in my heart. Trying to remember A time where I didn’t feel so lost. But girl don’t you cry For we all got fears about this life. And when they are realized And going on is the hardest thing of them all But we must, we must! Not lose ourselves to this world. Looking up from the ground At empty bottles and an innocence not found. I left my heart in logic’s hands Asking God why can’t I make amends for man But I must confess The hardest truth was you were never there. For the hell to tell me this apathy In me will expel. So don’t you cry For we all lost something dear in the fight And going on is the hardest thing of them all But we must, we must Not lose ourselves to this world So now I speak And it comes from a place of peace For I still have a voice left in me. ‘Cuz I am here. I am here and I’m more Than my fears. Than my fears ‘Cuz you can’t hold me down. Though I’ve lost Look what I’ve gained A heart so full no man can bring his shame And here’s a simple truth From me to you The past is written by those who have Lived through. Oh and boy oh don’t you cry For we all got fears about this life. And when they’re realized And going on is the hardest thing of them all. But we must, we must! Not lose ourselves to this world. So now I speak And it comes from a place of peace For I still have a life Left to lead. ‘Cuz I am here. I am here and I’m more Than my fears. Than my fears ‘Cuz you can’t hold me down. ‘Cuz we are here. We are here and we’re more Than our fears Than our fears ‘cuz You can’t hold us down. Oh you can’t hold me down.
6.
Body. 04:08
I, I try Oh I I try, I try? To find that simple peace of mind. Am I still or am I changed? Does my body reflect the pain of yesterday? Oh my, my body My body weighs me down Its inhabitable oooh Is it habitable now? Am I still a woman today? Or has all these years taken my air away? Oh is my body still me? Can I know my body again? To know all of its needs! So I start to undress And I take one nervous glance I look at my reflection and I find myself again. Oh I, I find I’m rediscovering myself Through the mending of lines Sprawled across My broken body Oh shattered me I bind my seams With gold leaf And awakened in my corporeal need Oh moral me I’m a worthy being I am sincerely me For this is my body whole again And complete For I’m a woman healed And in that I am a powerful being! And as I undress I allow myself to finally see That I am allowed a happiness Despite what has once ravished me And I won’t be shamed! My only commodity is not my body nor face I’ve survived the darkest of my days And I will not be haunted by that sure pain Oh beauty reframed! By the dignity I rightfully claim I’ve been bestowed a certain grace By allowing hope to take darkness’ place Oh how I have been saved Been saved By my inexhaustible flame My vulnerability is my strength Now I rejoice in my feminine ways For I was taught to honor what is true and brave And as I undress I see me Clearly for the woman I’ve become And I do not fear her at all For I know that I will fall again But I know That I can get back up For I have the strength of a thousand suns Oh I am Yes I am I am Again.
7.
Take me to the river and bless me For I’ve been feeling too damn weak Oh you can wet my forehead, I got my cheeks. Been walking on bloody, Callused feet Those Christian women been Shaming me But I keep going for I Must find what they can’t see. Oh water wash and heal me For I’ve been through the fire and I Admit I like the heat. Oh get down on your knees and be with me For I have as much soul as you But I still try and reach And as I sink into the water Unashamed of my naked body I know that I am free. For I have been healed by the power of Surrendering My arms outstretched with cupped hands Waiting to receive My parched lips wetted by the hope I sip I sink into the unknown And let it be, let it be! For there’s no more fear in me My soul I feel it in the currents I’m in the water droplets Smiling as I reach the surface I breathe in unweighted and unburdened Oh I found myself again I’m the water that carves mountains. Water wash and heal me For I’ve been through the fire And I’ll admit I like the fucking heat. Oh get down on your fucking knees And be with me For I have as much soul as you But I still try and reach. And as I sink into the water Unashamed of my naked body I know that I am free! [DEAdbEAT] Self-liberated Self-motivated Femme fatales Drink them down Don’t be playing missionary With a divinity Lady rapture me In your baptistry Well I’ll be damned God your breed rare. God bless that sovereign female Well I’ll be God damned Your breed rare. Yeah.
8.
Weak as me. 03:08
Oh my love Don’t you see that I am weak? But if you want Any part of this I need you to be as weak as me I am only strong because I have to always be. These rough outlines sketch The hands of a woman that has More to do than wait around in bed Oh comfort me Oh come for me! I don’t need you but I want You to water me like flowers in the spring I’m your casa blanc lily (devour me) Blooming when the moon peaks. I’m a good female I don’t need no saving Got that self-love That keeps your savior complex baiting Yeah I’ve been hurt but I still got my wits about me If you want in open your mouth And swallow your corrupt intentions Humbly, submit to me and I may return the invitation. I’ve been laying around Been feeling myself Elevating myself All without your help Found that sweet allegro Put my heart in tempo Rhythmically do you compliment me (will you be my sweet loving adagio?) Meet me in the next measure Our signatures stamped on one another. My love language is touch I want all your hands’ attention To give me what I want But only if you’re strong enough To not be ruled by thinking All you poor men must be claiming Dominion over what they love Do not try to conquer me But together we can build a dynasty I’m your Madame Blanc of the lily! I’m a good female I don’t need no saving Got that self-love That keeps your savior complex baiting Yeah I’ve been hurt but I still got my wits about me If you want in open your mouth And swallow your corrupt intentions Humbly, submit to me and I may return the invitation. If it feels right And you show me your trusting Enter into me And I’ll show you the half you’re missing I am the woman of your wettest dreams I am the woman of your nightmares I am Madame Blanc of the Lily I am no victim I am a triumph being! I am Madame Blanc of the Lily Humbly submit me I have power in mind and body I am Madame Blanc of the Lily Humbly submit me For I have power in mind and body And I want you, I want you to know! The half your missing!
9.
Good, too. 05:04
Been feeling a little bit lonely I’m not scared of that fate. For everything I’m feeling It’s the safest one I think And I’ve learned to face All my pain But when you look at me I find myself afraid Why do you scare me this way? I’ve learned to bind my heart in many ways. I’m stronger than I was yesterday. And all the battles I’ve fought I hold the victor’s name But what you ask of me is too much I say For if I let you in I’ll have to open up the gate But you say I hope for you You’ll find the courage to Love and let love back through And stay vulnerable Although it hurts So that you can know The good, too. I’m a little frightened That I may be weak For if I love you darling Than you’ve conquered me And I know my happiness depends on me But if I lean into you darling I’m scared of what that might mean And I accept myself more than I did yesterday And I built these walls to showcase my strength But when you look at me I admit I still am afraid And this weakness no I can’t make it go away But you say I hope for you You’ll find the courage to Love and let love back through And stay vulnerable Although it hurts So you can know The good, too. And maybe I built a few walls to protect myself it seams And maybe I built a few more To protect the world from me And perhaps that’s how I thought it had to be To survive the things I’ve felt and seen And I know I can’t hope to control everything In regards to you, in regards to me But baby I love you to me might not mean the same thing It means I’m vulnerable to you and now everything I hope for you To find the courage to (oh my baby) Love and let love through (you make me weak) And stay vulnerable Although it hurts So you can know The good, too. I wanna know the good too With you.
10.
Lampshades covered dark You’re about to witness all my scars As I whisper to myself “I will not break.” I bite my lip to keep from moving them Trying to find a place for these awkward limbs Oh my thoughts are as frizzy as my hair without bobby pins So I ask you to leave. You got that gaze as blue as the oceans And I’m drinking them in Sipping on that potion that I fear Does tempt me But when you speak to me I fear honesty Cuz I’m not good at that old feeling For I’m a pillar that will never show it’s seams For I no longer know that woman in I That’s not heavy with burden But air and light. As you look at me I fear that you can see my uncomfortable reactions to intimate attractions For I long shamed myself out of my need Oh turbulent me, forgetting to breathe Steering conversations with grim cogitations For I simply forgot how to just be For I no longer know that woman in I That’s not heavy with burden But air and light. For you told me my virtue had run dry Oh turbulent me , just forget your needs Remember what brought about your chosen solidarity Oh no, loneliness has no power over me! But you got that gaze as deep as the oceans And I catch myself swimming in those currents That I fear I cannot fight But as you speak to me I fear honestly That I’ll remember what its like to need And I can’t let that be For when you look at me I know you can see My uncomfortable reactions based on my attraction for forgetting myself completely. Oh turbulent me can I consciously not add weight to every syllable I sing? Would that alter my very being? For I no longer know that woman in I that’s not heavy with burden but air and light And does not question her virtue every time she smiles. Oh turbulent me just forget your needs Remember why you chose this solidarity You became heavy with your grief. Loneliness has no power over me Lampshades covered dark You’re about to witness all my scars Loneliness has no power over me I bite my lip To keep from moving them Stay Loneliness has no power over me Stay.
11.
God knows I’m terrified Of all these things I was taught to hide Oh lover won’t you look at me As tears stream down my cheeks For I want you to see me when I’m weak And there are days in which I cry From all of those self-imposed binds of mine If I never know the joy of loving you Its cuz it seems I’ve bound my happiness up in them too For I know my mind can come and go But there are some things you should know My joy is proportionate to my throes My passion needs a home! Oh my babe My fear is no longer my pain It’s my ability to always say How much I need you When I am afraid Cuz I’ve been in harm’s way So I hid myself away But now I’m asking you Please Keep me safe God knows I’m terrified That no one could ever love Someone with a mind like mine So please just look at me Decide now if you’ll help me Rip out these seams Oh will you accept me? Come what madness we make be. Oh and God knows that I’m terrified That I’ll always have to hide Or hold back from this life For I wanna feel it all with you I wanna touch the fire and let it burn me too Make me fall the way lovers do Oh and babe My fears no longer my pain It’s my ability to always say How much I need you And not be so, so Afraid Oh won’t you please just keep me safe? Oh won’t you pull me into your arms And take care of all my only thoughts And help me untie these restraints That dig into my ribcage For now I’ll need all That precious space And God knows that I am terrified That we won’t have enough time For all this hope that I still feel And all this love I have yet to give I am watered I am basked now in the light Oh my babe My fear is no longer my pain It’s my ability to always say How much I love you Cuz in you Yes in you I am safe. Oh please just keep me safe. Safe.
12.
Look at me When you speak and see All of me I offer it all. Your hand on my chest Can you feel that heartbeat in my breast? How it longs to be known How it longs to feel whole Just hold me Hold me Hold me Stay don’t go Cuz I need your body warmth Cuz I’m scared that I’ve grown too cold But please don’t give up on me. When you lean to touch me I swear I won’t withdrawal Again. Just know that it scares me My inability to react To simple affections But when I say I care Just acknowledge that I am Allowing myself to feel Though I am rusty And it is costing me My second skin how we long to be known how we long to feel whole just hold me hold me hold me Stay don’t go Cuz I need your body warmth Cuz I’m scared that I’ve grown too cold But please don’t give up on me. Please don’t give up on me. Since I’ve met you I’ve come a long way Instead of long nights where I lay awake terrified I feel safe. So I undress put my arms around your neck And I say All these marks and scars That I tried to cover up with art Are yours to trace. Oh how we long to be known How we long to feel whole Just hold me Hold me Hold me Stay don’t go Cuz I need your body warmth Cuz you, You refuse To give up on me. Oh you refuse to give up on “we.”
13.
Balance. 03:50

about

Pyrrhicae is not an album that jumps for joy and exclaims that all is good and fair. It is the complicated, bittersweet love story of trying. For that hope of love and life isn’t sequestered by any amount of madness. And to have been in the muck does not nullify your humanity. Pyrrhicae is that dance Irene made as a woman; armored, but not shielded.

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released October 1, 2021

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Irene Wilde Seattle, Washington

Avant-garde pop musician on a healing journey through art.

“ I paint figures that make beautiful my own vulnerabilities. I sing about what makes me blush. This is me connecting in the way I know how.. For these parts we tend to hide, they too have a desire to be known.”

Pyrrhicae is coming October 1, 2021.
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